Fire Wind Water Earth

I’ve been out of sorts since I wrote my last post so pardon me for not updating this blog of mine. It’s been hard these past six weeks or so and I’m not going to lie about it. Devastated. That’s the word. I’ve learnt to accept it (I’m trying my very best! ☺)since and now the sweetest memories keep playing in my head. There’s a lot of things in my head where I’d love to share… for this mind keeps working and working that I’m unable to even sleep properly but I’ll just leave it on my book of thoughts for now. Oh yes, I do have a book just for my thoughts.

I just got to write. Write anything that I see or hear that I can reflect on. That doesn’t mean I write everything I see or hear every day. Oh no. What I do is to self edit myself what I’ve seen or hear and just pick out the small little ‘grey area’, which we normally miss out. Try it. It’s pretty tedious and boring at first but when you can connect it to your life, the satisfaction I can’t even express it through words.



I have this feeling that everyone who reads this blog knows me better than people I've actually met. Good friends of mine know me pretty well because I open up to them and basically do a live-action verbal version of this blog in real time in front of them. But there are lots of people who I talk to for a day at most and then move on, and realize they now hold this impression of me, which may or may not be accurate. As I often tend to do, I could branch off into some bullshit self-questioning "Who am I?" hoopla, but I think I'll save that for later. I may not fully understand my person, but I understand better than some I meet day to day. This is mainly because I cannot really translate my personality to other people beyond simply being. On top of that, why should I?

However, this blog is pure "self". That's what's here: Me. And I'm less inhibited here because this is text, who gives a shit. I've met very few of you people, and those that I have are already friends of mine and I have a comfort level already to express myself. It's not even a comfort issue, per se, because I'm pretty comfortable in front of people, but more so the fact that there are many facets of myself that can get lost in a false first impression. I don't want to give myself away completely, or even at all to most people. Maybe. Maybe I do only tell you what I want you to hear and believe me, the same goes to you.

As for the title, the four ‘words ‘ are all up above. Digress it. ;)

For I Wish And Pretend

“And it seems like yesterday it was just a dream…” B.o.B


It was not since mid March that I last wrote in this little box. It is no longer March; in fact, April is ending soon. This little box begs for letters to be in it… and I often don't comply with its wishes. It must be something incredibly exciting and resplendent to occupy my time such that I do not update this oft-abandoned blog, right? I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe not.

I intend not to use this space simply to complain about the various things that have surfaced in my life recently. No, blogs are in no way intended to be used for petty bitching and empty negativity. No. So don't think of this particular entry as me being biased towards the melancholy. I simply need to express that which is currently troubling my gentle soul so as to prepare myself for better sailing ahead.

I guess I’m just worried sick. I have like things that constantly project themselves from my eyes and mind; they're kind of basically in command now. I recalled my mum was saying that yesterday was my late sister’s birthday. My late sister would have been 29 yesterday. I didn’t get the chance to see her and thus, I don’t have an image of her on my mind. And so, I wish and pretend. I pretend she is quite tall. Curly long hair. Big eyes with smile that just soften one’s heart in an instant. I pretend she would be the ideal elder sister. Someone that could inspire my two younger sisters and me. A role model. Huh. It’s easy to pretend something which we will never know but when we instill these thoughts to our mind, it gives the good vibes to one’s mind.

I don’t want to hope. Hope is something we humans will just cling on to the word. Like literally. And so, let me just wish and pretend things will be better in the next few days or weeks or so. For my dad and my family. For his health have not been the best at these tough times. For I miss his longing smile and his usual “high five” with my youngest sister. For I miss seeing his usual antics to ‘irritate’ my younger sister. For I miss his constant ranting whenever man utd play badly. For I miss his laughter when mum gets over excited and shout enthusiastically watching soccer. And for all that and more, I wish to see all that back. Perhaps, if my elder sister is still alive, she could handle this better than I am.

For now, let me just wish and pretend.

Rage Within A Word

Conformity. What a controversial word. Let's look it up shall we?

con•form•i•ty Audio pronunciation of "conformity" ( P ) Pronunciation Key (kn-fôrm-t)
n. pl. con•form•i•ties

1. Similarity in form or character; agreement: I acted in conformity with my principles.
2. Action or behavior in correspondence with socially accepted standards, conventions, rules, or laws: conformity to university regulations.

There ain't a damn thing wrong with conforming, just know when you're doing it at least. It's the whole, once you know the rules you can break them sort of thing. So you can be cliche, as long as you apologize for it. Where the hell am I going with all this? I better stop here. heh.

On Petrol and Chlorine

“Don’t go and play with the kids at the playground. They are ********.”

“We are *********. We don’t mix with those people.”

“Excuse me but I’m *********. I can’t be here!”

How someone looks, as opposed to what someone truly is, seems to be the card that lets them act in accordance with certain cultural idiosyncrasies.

As it turns out, race has nothing to do with blood and everything to do with aesthetic. Yet, rightly so – it’s the same blood across the board, right? But once upon a time there were a bunch of people living in Africa. The sun was hot and their skin got dark. Simple. Race is just the effect, both internal and external, a certain environment has on a certain group of people. There's a reason chinese have slits for eyes. Then our brain, which is very adept at picking up on patterns and grouping them, picks up on these differences so that everybody who looks a certain way is classified as being a certain race. Yet, take the eurasians who doesn't quite look the part and all of the sudden, a wrench has been thrown in the whole system. Holy shit what do we do? How should he act? It just goes to show how race is a blurred line to begin with.

In reality, race doesn't even exist. It cannot be tested for in the lab. And race in its most applicable form is semantics at the very most. In all technically, if more european and chinese came together and had enough children, they could be classified as a race. Not eurasians. Maybe eurochin. Maybe not.



The thing is I just don't agree with the way certain people tend to emphasize on race. What’s there to brag about of your race? Race is not something to be proud of, culture is. Being proud of one's own race is like saying, "hey I look different than you, go me!" And race is not to be confused with culture. Race has nothing to do with culture, they just understandably go together many times. As far as someone representing for his or her own culture, well, then it becomes a matter of how long one wants to perpetuate the imaginary lines that divide the human race for the sake of staying true to his or her own heritage. I'm looking at you, people. Can you please stop accusing people for being loud just because of their colour? Can you please stop looking down on people just because of their race? Can you please stop being so proud of your race?

The world may not be colour blind but it should be. And I don't mean that in some sort of idealistic sense, because I don't like that kind of pansy talk. I mean it in a genetic sense. I've often felt that many times, people are too quick to turn this planet into poetry; applying symbols to things and stopping at that, when reality rigidly unfolds to far greater depths. Yet it’s hard to find words to rhyme with "quantum" and "neutrino". Race is just another example of how people all too often stop digging when confronted by symbolism and appearance. And I know all this sounds like some sort of sec school rant on appearance vs. reality, but you know what… give me back my squeaky voice, give me back my pimples. We're all humans here.

Random Thought

To not question is to doubt - by not questioning, you are in acknowledgment that if you did question, a contradictory answer that is not pleasing may be found and therefore, doubt by not questioning in the first place.

Mirror's Eyes

I suppose one of our biggest fear would be dying alone, as if dying weren't bad enough. Just a little recognition would be nice. A little mourning. I don't think I'm the first one to imagine what my own funeral would be like. I'd be watching in from above, listening to what kind words people have to say about me, everyone weeping uncontrollably, even the little babies would be crying, or maybe they just wanted their pacifier.

But I wonder how many of those people in the crowd would have truly understood me. It is such a liberating form of recognition; to be understood. To know another sees more than just a part, is drawn in by more than just some appealling mannerisms, or looks, even if they can't relate to it or understand the whys. I hope it’s going to be a great weekend, an excellent weekend, but hanging in between, my moments of pointless flirting and unintelligability was a thought. Just give me a nice setting, a cigarette box, some coffee, and someone to connect with sitting across from me. I’d be content with that.

We wouldn't need to be talking about profound things, by all means flirt a little, leave your brain at the door and don't look back. But I love the feeling I get when in the presence of someone I see eye to eye with. There is so much unspoken understanding and mutual acknowledgement. I'll crack a smile when carefully selected words hint at some grand understanding, as if precisely behind these symbols, tangled in some abstract mess where words serve no justice, a beautiful connection between two people lies.

I'm starting to hate this post because I'm basically saying that despite all my friends and all the fun I have, there's a part of me that just wants someone to connect with, and even more, to call my own. That doesn't sounds right. Maybe I'm just trying to find some closure to my past. Or perharps, we all just want to find closure to our past? As one points out, “The past is a reminder for us to be better in the future.”

For a start, maybe I’ll just smile. Smile like I mean it...

Note From The Past

When I lie where shades of darkness

Shall no more assail my eyes

As the rain made lamentation

Or the whistling wind sighs

How will the world fare whose wonder

Was that the very proof of me?

Memory fades, must be remembered

Sure it perishes as it can be.

When will my dust surrenders

Confused, blurred with confession till dusk

May these loved and loving faces

Get collaborated and drained in a task

Let rust harvest vast places

Soil the fool’s joy entwined

And as the happy embryos traces

Appreciate the joy once mine.

In every hour without night

Seal their minds in deadly slumber

For their lies swell till delight

Oh pardon me should my words be blunder

And so I’ve paid my utmost blessing

Where all things lived with praise

Events in the past year had been passing

For I pray this year I shall lead with grace.