My Writings. My Thoughts.

The Grey Area In The Head

At » 6:54 AM // 2 Comments »


Bro. Am I busy? Sure does.

You can tell it’s true by the total lack of posting here. It’s not that I don’t care but if I can’t give any positive insights on anything that I perceive on, I don’t see the necessity to write it here. I don’t enjoy giving people negative vibes. It’s like assuring people that I’ll give them the potion they needed but give them something worse eventually. You wouldn’t want that. Neither do I.

I’ve been thinking. Always dangerous, I know. I have a couple of projects or should I say ideas/proposals that I’m wondering where to put. I think being with the right people is important. It requires determination, perseverance and that little bit of luck. I learnt something from ‘Sudin’, a character that I acted in the drama series, ‘Balik Sekolah’. Sure, I don’t want to be him. Not in a million years. But I learnt from ‘him’ the perseverance factor that I’ve been lacking of. It’s always nice when I get to learn something from the character that I’ve acted on. It builds me up, one way or another. But, say, what if someone is tearing you down so that he can builds oneself up? I don’t quite understand why it must be so. Do you?

Say, I often don’t admit my sleepless nights ever since my father went away. When I have, I invariably experience a weird kind of happiness from the other person, a “fuh, she was wrong after all!” and it’s worse that that coz some people do desperate, bad, mean, horrible and hateful things to bury their insecurities.

Because of that, I don’t share easily. I don’t trust easily. I’ve been told I’m laid back, quite confident and friendly, I tend to let things flow. It’s not that I don’t have my opinions and insecurities – enough that I wonder how I hide them well enough to be considered laid back, confident, even.

After years of fighting others’ insecurities, like a disease, I try hard not to let my insecurity run my life. I’ve seen the horrible effect it has on ordinarily nice people. It’s sad to see them in such state. It’s like a demon inside, insidious and hateful. A cancer that destroys kindness. And it’s catching. I’d say money is not the root of all evil. Insecurity is the root of all evil. Coz what people do when reminded of their insecurities?

Everybody together now and shout: They go all righteous on your ass. :)

But we need insecurity. Because the big thing we don’t admit, the secret many of us do desperate, bad, mean, horrible and hateful things to hide, is that insecurities are supposed to plague us. Without insecurity to balance out our natural survivalist egos, we would be assholes. Oh… well, we just got to accept it. Just don’t let it run our life.

Some said religion is the root of all evil. Come on people. People would always find another excuse to fight. True, some people wield religion like a weapon. But a gun doesn’t pull its own trigger and you can kill with a cooking knife. These same people seem to need rules and boundaries to hem others in, to keep themselves feeling safe.

I’m not much for rules and boundaries. And I’ve said before, my faith makes me a better person. It reminds me of the simple lessons of common decency. I’ll be quiet when one points their insecurity. Quietly praying for them.

Eid Mubarak to you.

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